artwork by Jeremy Webb
intellectual gems
previous posts
thu.nov.6.2008
tue.nov.4.2008
I agree that there is a point where persistent whining
renders one ineffective, and rather annoying to be around.
However, I do take issue with the notion that we should all
just be happy little workers and go along with every little
policy implementation, every single management decision, and
are told to never express discontent, because that is how many
people have become doormats. At its worst, this type of conformist
thinking allows companies and institutions to rule supreme over
the lives of its employees, and we become absolutely subordinate
to the powers that be. It takes courage and strength to confront
authority, and should never be ruled out as an option. I suspect
the secret is to abide by the rules in order to progress, but never
to withhold your opinions when you feel are fundamental rights
have the potential to be violated in a serious way.
mon.nov.3.2008
I do not understand why I seem so insistent on raking myself
over the coals for absolutely every opinion or suggestion I
make. I've obviously come to my opinions my observing the
world for myself, and if I disagree with someone, well, that
is all a part of the game of life. As every individual is who they
are as a result of varied upbringings, experiences, and emotional
tendencies, we cannot expect anything different. Believing THAT is what
would really be foolish. But I do wish I could think less in an abrasive
and
caustic manner, and more in a constructive manner. If I don't like where I am
either forget about what I don't like and focus on the aspects of the
environment that I do like, or leave. It really is that simple. And the
only way to truly be content with who you are is to stand by what
you believe in, and not necessarily stir up conflict just for the sake
of argument. That is what writing is for :)
mon.oct.6.2008
I simply do not understand why it is that every single
event at this institution has to be preceded by the filling
out of a form. I'm wondering how long it is going to be before
there will be forms for (a) entering the building, "I the undersigned
ask for permission to enter the physics building at 7:42 a.m. each
morning. I understand that if I change my mind and want to arrive
at 7:44 instead, I will have to hand in a revision form, followed
by a letter outlining the reasons for my request.", (2) going to the
bathroom, "I the undersigned understand that as there are only 5 toilets
and there is always a possibility that more than 5 people will want
to use the said toilets at any given time. Therefore, I agree that
I will only attempt to use the toilets at the times listed below,
in accordance with the "Toilet Sharing Act" entitling equal and
evenly distributed use of the toilets for each person at this
incredibly fine institution, or (3) riding the bus. "I the
undersigned understand that since I am not the only person
in the universe and that there are only so many seats the state
can afford to provide for its wonderful citizens, have bus
riding privileges exactly twice a day, once in the morning, and
once in the evening, at precisely 8:06 a.m. and 4:32 p.m. I also
understand that in the event of tardiness, I may miss the intended
bus, and hence forfeit my bus-riding privileges for that day.
You may laugh at the absurdity of these pretentious statements,
but if you study your world around you, especially when dealing
with institutions, you will see that these types of permission
forms may form an even bigger part of the future than what we
are seeing now. In fact, there are real live politicians who
would love to see WW2-style rationing of all types of resources,
including automobiles on public roads.
thu.oct.2.2008
I have to rant or I will collapse from the inside out.
Is my right to privacy really too much to ask for?
Why is it that I have to answer to people who have
absolutely no stake in my decisions about my life?
It is a fundamental right for each person to do decide
what is best for them at any given time. Anticipating
the future, though not very accurate, forces you to make
decisions that require risk. The fact that I was looking
ahead and taking care of myself in case of an absolutely
blank schedule was an act of taking care of myself and my
future. The fact that things ended up working themselves
out without me having to force anything, which, by the way
is part of my own personal spiritual development, should have
nothing to do with anybody else. The fact that there were
people involved that had to fill out forms and expand files
and answer phone calls, has nothing to do with my right to
prepare, in whatever way I see fit, for the future. They are
doing their job -- that is what they were hired for. If I go
to the bank and open an account and decide 5 months later that
I don't want that account anymore I wouldn't feel guilty that
I made someone do work that they wouldn't have had to do if
I hadn't decided to open an account. In fact, people would be
out of a job if they didn't have actual customers. Sheesh!
wed.jul.23.2008
Eternal Pining
A single moment in time's continuum can wrench
your soul of its constant itch; an underlying malaise
a constant rattle in the center of your thorax, barely
perceptible, though always threatening to precipitate
an unleashing and cause you to buckle under the load.
My experience occurred without warning, all vital
elements arranged harmoniously in time and space.
The expression in my eyes faded to a dull sienna, the
filament, through which my waves of contentment flow,
burned out in a cascade of jarring sparks. The genuine
article displayed in front of me was recognized instantly
as proof that the fulfillment of my deep longing is
conceivable, but it seems to lie in the power of someone
else's hands. My nervous system was at once aroused,
adrenalin exciting the sympathetic nerves, limbs
incapacitated until the metamorphosis. At once I became
a vessel outpouring with distress at the recognition of the
ubiquity of my pining, private catharsis falling on attentive
ears; frightened at what my view of this raw and honest
moment would be in the future, yet encouraged by the
potential for tremendous growth that the experience may
engender -- the impetus I needed to create the circumstances
I desire, if not by chance, then by a desperate act of will.
by C.V.
new posts
Hmmm....pretty accurate I would say.
wed.jan.22.2008
hmmmm.....
thu.jun.28.2007
I love dark and cloudy, stormy days. The rain pounding heavily on the rooftop, the wind
howling through the tree branches, but me, comfortable, lying in my bed. Paradoxically,
I never feel so alive as when I am in an emotionally grievous state. Emotional strife
seems to transport all the realities of existence to the surface, and creates in me physical
sensations that pass by unrecognized on less burdensome days. The thumping of my
tortured heart, the wave of distressful sensations being transported from the depths of my
soul to the ends of my densely packed nerves. A touch, a glance, and my body feels material,
all of the molecules spinning and dancing to and fro as they try to escape the burdens of
the flesh. The voices I hear in my head conspire as a group of sword-wielding knights
against an unknown enemy. I want to run away, but cannot, because I cannot run away
from being me. I, the elusive creature whom escapes definition. Am I my present
configuration of elemental constituents, or am I the embodiment of past experiences and
social interactions, including projections that others have placed on me, as a result of
their past experiences and social interactions?
fri.may.25.2007
I awoke to a deep sadness and fear, reminiscent of what I suffered back in nineteen ninety
eight. I am desperately grasping at a slowly sinking straw, and am only beginning to
understand the depths of my soul to which the experience has penetrated, while at the
same time billowing at the sheer futility and inefficaciousness of trying to forestall the
inevitable anguish.
thu.mar.15.2007
For me, looking back is only beneficial if I analyse my improvement and growth in
a particular aspect of my life. It does no good to propel myself to an earlier time
just to wallow in my feelings of professional immaturity and somehow make myself feel
guilty for not having the experience I have now. It is because of the pain and
suffering of growth and development that I am where I am now, and thus looking back
should really only be a way to measure improvement, not as a reason to be disgusted
with an earlier version of me.
tue.mar.06.2007
The greatest weight. -- What, if some day or night a demon were to steal after you into
your loneliest loneliness and say to you: 'This life as you now live it and
have lived it, you will have to live once more and innumerable times more; and there
will be nothing new in it, but every pain and every joy and every thought and
sigh and everything unutterably small or great in your live will have to return
to you, all in the same succession and sequence--even this spider and this moonlight
between the trees, and even this moment and I myself. The eternal hourglass
of existence is turned upside down again and again, and you with it, speck
of dust!' Would you not throw yourself down and gnash your teeth and curse the
demon who spoke thus? Or have you once experienced a tremendous moment when you
would have answered him: 'You are a god and never have I heard anything more
divine.' If this thought gained possession of you, it would change you as you are or
perhaps crush you. -Nietzsche
tue.feb.27.2007
I am feeling incredibly empowered this week. I think it had a lot with the decision I made to let everything go, to be
myself, and to do what I can every single moment of every single day to create who I want to be, without dwelling
on the fear and anxiety to perform. Life is not a performance, but rather an endless process of creation and renewal.
And I have also came to the definite conclusion that all of the areas of my life have a symbiotic relationship with
each other. Thus, when one area is suffering, the other areas are in a state of detriment also, stressing to me the
importance of balance and perspective.
"He who has a why to live can endure any how." -Nietzsche
thu.feb.22.2007
Upon deeper inspection of the issues surrounding the days events, I think my angry
response had very little to do with the issue of wage, but rather with the reluctance
on my part to sacrifice what I had been looking forward to for a while as my brief
respite before the long, intense home stretch. I love teaching, and I love the material,
not to mention the personal development that manifests itself, as a
result, in the form of higher level of confidence, more satisfaction, and a braver,
more courageous face with which to confront future challenges. But, being the highly
introverted person that I am, I need an extended period of time in solitude to
recharge my batteries and continue forward. That being said, I think I can forgive
myself for the reaction and revel in the delights of an opportunity presenting itself.
mon.jan.01.2007
The bibliophile in me is continually giving me a nudge on the shoulder, coercing me to purchase
a new bookcase on which to place my recently acquired literary delights. I would love to have my very
own library room, with books covering all four walls and stairs which lead to the second level of the especially
cherished masterpieces and which are not allowed to be handled by anyone. But me of course. So tomorrow, I am
finally going to make the purchase and spend my day organizing the growing piles of books lying around my
apartment. I also plan on organizing my mind this week, with the aid of pencil and paper, as I try to separate
the truths from the falsehoods and eliminate, once and for all, futile meanderings.
sat.dec.30.2006
My life has felt so barren for the last few months and has definitely reached a climax during the last couple
of days. Since all I am is a ball of ideas with no place or time to develop or pursue them to the extent which I would
like, down time only perpetuates and enlarges the feeling of helplessness and meaningless of my endeavours.
I seem to continue reaching the conclusion that thoughts and ideas, being immured in the realm
of the inactive, immovable intellect are useless without being focused towards an ultimate goal, which for myself
has not yet been defined. I just keep looking for that one thing I would like to channel all of my restless energy toward.
I want to run with the wind, to feel the blissful exhaustion of seeing a passionately driven large project completed.
thu.dec.07.2006
"I must compare myself to a mountain climber, who without knowing the way climbs up
slowly and laboriously, must often turn around because he can go no further, discovers
new trails, sometimes through reflection, sometimes through accident, which again
lead him forward a little, and finally, if he reaches his goal, finds to his shame
a Royal Road on which he could have traveled up, if he would have been clever
enough to find the right beginning." -Hermann von Helmholtz
Oh, the pursuit of understanding, what a beautiful journey :) To me, to live is to think,
to question. To live is to attempt to understand, to even the smallest extent,
this complicated, yet elegantly simplistic universe we inhabit. To live is to create,
and thereby pass on at least a fragment of the wisdom that we have acquired to the souls
that will follow.
mon.dec.04.06
“Be thine own palace, or the world's thy jail."
--John Donne
sat.oct.21.06
Thinking about life past graduate school terrifies me to the core of my being. Just when I
begin to feel confident about my abilities, I am forced to face the inevitable waning of a
rewarding journey of intellectual and personal development. Some days (or weeks, as the case
may be) I find myself not able to cope with the looming emergence of myself into this expansive
world of competing forces, and I employ the tools of muteness and somnolence to maintain
whatever inner dignity and composure I still possess. Other days I have the resolve to tackle
any and every conflict that life may throw my way, and believe that I am worthy of love and respect.
I continually yearn to be the captain of my thoughts so as not to allow the ripples in the fabric of
my life dictate my overall outlook.
fri.sept.29.06
“Music is the one incorporeal entrance into the higher world of knowledge which comprehends mankind
but which mankind cannot comprehend.”
---Ludwig van Beethoven
thu.aug.03.06
"Deep in her soul -- deeper than any appetite for renunciation -- was the sense that life would be her
business for a long time to come. And at moments there was something inspiring, almost enlivening, in the
conviction. It was a proof of strength -- it was a proof she should someday be happy again. It couldn't be she
was to live only to suffer; she was still young, after all, and a great many things might happen to her yet. To live
only to suffer -- only to feel the injury of life repeated and enlarged -- it seemed to her she was too
valuable, too capable, for that. Then she wondered if it were vain and stupid to think so well of herself. When
had it even been a guarantee to be valuable? Wasn't all history full of the destruction of precious things? Wasn't
it more probable that if one were fine one would suffer? It involved then perhaps an admission that one
had a certain grossness; but Isabel recognised, as it passed before her eyes, the quick vague shadow of a long
future. She should never escape; she should last to the end." (Henry James, from Portrait of a Lady)
wed.july.26.06
"There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the
risk it took to blossom."
-Anais Nin
"How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather
than to create it herself."
-Anais Nin
mon.july.24.06
The problem with writing from the heart is that pain begins to flow outward. Why do
humans complain that animals are locked in cages at the zoo, when we do the exact same
thing to our minds and spirits? The ability to move about freely in physical space is
hardly what I consider to be the only element of freedom.
Fact is, we find comfort in confinement. It allows the existing political and social
institutions to make our decisions for us. It means that we do not have to dig to the
depths of our being to discover what it is that we truly desire. It means that we rarely
have to make a choice. We rarely ever have to walk up to the gate and weigh
our every option before we pick Door 1 or Door 2.
What is freedom anyway? We can not choose to come into existence or not. We can not
choose what species or what sex we become. We can not choose the political or temporal
realm that we enter. We can not choose our parents, our families, our gifts, our
abilities, our state of health, our physical characteristics. We are all essentially
confined at birth, then, and what we do from that point is more or less dictated by all
of the above factors.
wed.july.12.06
"Man can will nothing unless he has first understood that he must count on no one but
himself; that he is alone, abandoned on earth in the midst of his infinite
responsibilities, without help, with no other aim than the one he sets himself, with no
other destiny than the one he forges for himself on this earth."
-JPS
fri.mar.31.06
"Do not weep. Do not wax indignant. Understand."
---- Baruch Spinoza
wed.mar.29.06
"And every occasion when a mask was torn off, an ideal broken, was preceded by this
hateful vacancy and stillness, this deathly constriction and loneliness and unrelatedness,
this waste and empty hell of lovelenessness and despair, such as I had now"
-- Herman Hesse
mon.mar.27.06
'No Coward Soul is Mine'
No coward soul is mine,
No trembler in the worlds storm-troubled sphere:
I see Heavens glories shine,
And faith shines equal, arming me from fear.
O God within my breast.
Almighty, ever-present Deity!
Life -- that in me has rest,
As I -- Undying Life -- have power in Thee!
Vain are the thousand creeds
That move mens hearts: unutterably vain;
Worthless as withered weeds,
Or idlest froth amid the boundless main,
To waken doubt in one
Holding so fast by Thine infinity;
So surely anchored on
The steadfast Rock of immortality.
With wide-embracing love
Thy Spirit animates eternal years,
Pervades and broods above,
Changes, sustains, dissolves, creates, and rears.
Though earth and man were gone,
And suns and universes ceased to be,
And Thou wert left alone,
Every existence would exist in Thee.
There is not room for Death,
Nor atom that his might could render void:
Thou -- Thou art Being and Breath,
And what Thou art may never be destroyed.
-- Emily Bronte
wed.mar.15.06
I was thoroughly impressed by the performance by our university theatre
company of Shakespeare's "A Winter's Tale". Who knew we had such a gem right
under our noses?